Dear Diary
by Teenager
Summary: Adventures happen. So do mishaps. And that's exactly what Grimmjow realized when he gets more than what he bargained for.
1. Chapter 1

Story I wrote on a whim. Will forever be a bad attempt at humor one-shot unless I write another chapter. On a whim, of course.

Have fun, and I don't own.

**Ulquiorra**

**Date- We have none, trash. Get over yourself.**

Dear Diary,

I met Kurosaki again, otherwise known as the trashy shinigami that just died.

It was insanely funny, I don't know when I'll ever get over that lulz. Not that I would LOL, just too above that, you know what I mean?

Of course you do.

But come on, I was fighting with him today, see? And –omigosh, you won't believe it- he shot this weird thing, I have no idea that it was. Imo, it looked like melted tar or something. Well, anyways, he shot that crap at me (dude, he had this creepy mask on, too. So not cool. I have asthma, come on…) and I tried to block it with one hand, you know? Like I always do, just swoosh and knock it aside, bam, it disintegrates. But then I couldn't do it. I mean, wtf is this? That thing nearly shredded my face! That would have sucked a bit.

So then, then I took my _other_ hand out of my pocket, and I was like, well, this is supposed to work…

And it didn't. And I was even more wtf at him. I mean, come on, I took both hands out of my pockets, BOTH FUCKING HANDS. You know how serious that is? Both hands! Out of my pocket! To block melted tar (or whatever it is). Shit, what the hell, I'm so pissed!

Well, I killed him, but he went and ruined my uniform, laaaame. D:

So, you know, I had to get a new one, and I got it switched with Grimmjow's. T'was also lame. It was huge. I mean, you know how Grimmjow's sleeves are rolled up and come up to his elbows? Well, they were like… regular sleeves for me. And it was all baggy, not awesome like my usual clothes. :(

And he tried to wear mine. I doubt it worked…

Ugh. Both fucking hands.

Gin laughed for ninety seconds. And then he told me all these stories about how he pwned Ichigo without screwing up his clothes. Stfu, dipshit, I have better things to do.

You know what, screw this. I'm going to bed.

**Grimmjow**

Dear Diary,

Today, I didn't do anything.

But when I woke up, there was this HUUUUUGE spider on the wall D':

It was scary! :( Ulquiorra came in and saw it and just squished it. It made this huge crunching noise and was all icky!!

Ew, ew! I don't want to think about it! It's still on my wall! But it's dead, you know…

And we ran out of waffles. Damn, I love those things, but we ran out! I was so sad, I had to eat nasty toast. Not that I needed to eat in the first place.

But then, Ulquiorra disappeared, and I had to play with that fat loser Yami. He is so fat. I think if he sat on me, I would die.

I don't know…

Sigh

And then he was too stupid to do anything fun so I went to look for Nnoitra but oh yeah! I forgot D:

He was busy beating someone up.

So today was really bad. I wasn't happy. :(

And then later, Ulquiorra stole my jacket and I didn't realize until I tried to wear his. Gin was laughing at me, it was mean ;;


	2. Chapter 2

Alright, this story got an unexpected amount of love (I expected like... no reviews), so i went and continued it. Thank you to my five reviewers, including the anonymous.

Yes. But this story is going to go on until I get sick of it or you get sick of it.

And it will be more AU from now on.

I don't own

**Ulquiorra**

Dear Diary,

I ate some really craptastic toast this morning. It was stale. I think someone left it out all night. Whoever did that is seriously going to get fucked up when I find them. Seriously fucked up, and I mean it. I won't even use my uber pwnage skillz to kill them, I'll just peel their face off with a potato peeler or something. Oh, no, I know. I'll tie them to a pole and stick the potato peeler in their forehead, then tie a brick to the peeler and let the lulz roll in.

I love being diabolical and unnecessarily cruel.

So I ran out of eyeliner again. I knew I should have bought some more, but procrastination kicked in and I forgot. Or something like that. And because of the lack of eyeliner, I had to go ask Halibel. You should have seen the way she looked at me. She was all, "Fuck you, go to hell, fuck you, go to hell…" etc.

And so I asked her really, REALLY nicely to borrow some eyeliner. I mean, I had to get hold of some eyeliner because I look like crap without it.

So then she tells me she only wears light eyeliner, not the thick, black shit that I wear. In those exact words. She'd better learn not to mess with the look, 'cos she'll get hers someday. ):

Ok… I wasn't about to use her lame-ass brown shit, so I went to Grimmjow.

And asked not so nicely, I guess. It was fun… :D

But all he had was dark blue, so I had to make do with that. I mean, it's better than light brown/gold, right? Right?!

Anyways, note to self: go to human world and steal –ahem- obtain black eyeliner. Preferably Maybelline. That is some good German eyeliner. And I'm German. So I like Maybelline. It's simple. Any fuckwit that doesn't get it can go shit a brick somewhere else. And then I'll kill them and use the brick for my evil toast plan.

I spent some time torturing that little girl, but she's been getting kind of catatonic. It's funny, but not as fun as watching her blood pressure rise. She bitch slapped me once, I think, only I saw something on the wall and turned exactly when it happened, so I didn't feel a thing. Maybe that's why I'm not sure if I got slapped. I have to pay closer attention to this shit, 'cos if she really did try to slap me, I'm gonna totally hand her ass to her.

-Auf Wiedersehen

P.S. Ichigo is still dead.

P.S.S. Maybe I'll get Nnoitra to go get my eyeliner. And I need hairspray. I think I'll go tell him that right now…

**Grimmjow**

Dear Diary,

I only cried twice today :D

I'm so happy

But this morning, Ulquiorra came barging in through the front door without even knocking. D: I was still in my pajamas. I mean, it's not like I have pajamas, I just wear what I wear during the day, but still! So rude!

Anyways, he came in asking for eyeliner, and a really dark one. So I gave him the dark blue that Stark gave me for Christmas and he drew it, just like that, on his eyes. No mirror or anything. Just one, two, other eye, one, two. And it was perfect! How is that fair? I mean, I spend half and hour trying to get my own makeup to look good and he does it in ten seconds T.T

So mega hax.

Well, aside from that, I got Szayel to clean off that dead spider. The spider was huge, but the stain it left when Ulquiorra smashed was even HUGER D: I couldn't stand it anymore. It was like, I get up, and it's at eye level.

Did I mention that Ulquiorra killed it with his foot? That guy can kick reeeeally high! And really fast, too! He walks in, looks up, sees the spider and WHOOSH! BAM! Spider is dead and he's putting his foot back on the ground.

I think he does it to scare me. It works, I guess.

And I think he likes keeping his hands in his pockets. Maybe he secretly married that Orihime girl and doesn't want anyone to see the ring? I dunno /

Maybe he thinks it just looks cool. No way, rolling up your sleeves looks so much cooler. Not to mention the badass collar. D:

Well, anyways. Here's my last chance to prove my manhood. I am going to go kill Ichigo. :D

But then I have to go ask that Orihime girl to heal him because Ulquiorra already killed him. Does that make him manlier than me? No way, he's just a skinny emo kid.

… Sigh. But he never cries. Or I don't see him

Oh well, I'm going to go ask Orihime to heal Ichigo! :) Maybe then I can ask if she and Ulquiorra are married yet!

From, Grimmjow

P.S. Oh yeah, I found these great gummy worms. I think they were here before I was born, but man, are they good!


	3. Chapter 3

Okay, here's the new chapter. These write extremely quickly, so I'll be posting the second half of this... section today. Really soon, I promise. It's short, so I thought I'd post ti all on the same day :D

Well, anyways, I thought this whole story out already so let me brief you on how this will rock: it will be AU. And it will have a set number of chapters. I haven't decided how many, it will end when it ends.

I feel like I'm getting a little less funny. I really don't think these are as funny as my first chapter, which was completely random, but I'm not good at forcing humor.

Anyways, thanks to those who read and reviewed! I appreciate it. :D

I don't own.

**Ulquiorra**

Dear Diary,

I need to get a name for you, just so I don't keep calling you Diary. It's like calling a baby 'it'. It needs a bottle, it needs a blanket, it needs whatever babies need. I wouldn't know. Too above taking care of babies. And they smell, they'll totally get my clothes dirty :

Anyways, Nnoitra agreed to go to the human world to pick up my stuff, and as soon as he said that, he got mobbed by people telling him they needed their crap, too. Damn conformity.

Well, he had to write a list down, only he wouldn't get anything for guys with a lower rank than him. Girls are okay if they were 'hot' (I don't ghettit, what's hot? Won't it burn you or anything?). But anyone above him totally threatened him to get their stuff. And Grimmjow couldn't get anything 'cos he's lame. Ha. :D

Anyways… currently semi-dancing to the song Freaxxx. By Brokencyde. Good song, very easy to dance to. Just jump around like crazy. But I don't do that. I just semi- dance, which is way cooler. I'm writing whenever Se7en does his little screamfests in the middle of the song. Hm. I write/rant fast.

Well anyways, the song ended, it's a good song for me to practice screaming with, 'cos they don't do much of it. Not enough screaming, but I'm not ruining my perfect vocal chords doing this.

Anyways, Nnoitra came back with all our shit, and I swear! He's the biggest fuckwit in the world. He got the right eyeliner (thank god), Maybelline, but he got the pencil that needs a sharpener, not the kind that just rolls out. Ugh, I don't have a sharpener. Maybe I'll sharpen it with my zanpakuto. And when he gave me my hairspray, it turned out he bought the green kind D:

I don't fucking need the green kind, it's anti-frizz! And since my hair doesn't ever get frizzy, I don't need it! I mean, it doesn't do any harm, but it smells weird and I have to use more to get my hair to stick up emo-like. I love those people's hair, it's so pretty.

I think I'll go to the human world tomorrow, to return this crappy hairspray and get a sharpener. Can't hurt to try the new eyeliner, can it? :

Ha, now I have Freaxxx stuck in my head. So let's get messy girls, come on let's go get messy girls… Let's get freaky now, let's get fucking freaky now… I think it goes like that.

Well, if I'm going to go to the human world, I have to get a gigai made. Hopefully an emo one. Yeah, I'll get an emo one from Szayel. :D

Bitch better give it to me, too, if he knows what's good for him.

Auf wiedersehen for now!

**Grimmjow**

Dear Diary,

I asked Orihime if she and Ulquiorra are married and she slapped me and turned away. I went to check if she was crying, but she was blushing like crazy. I bet she wants to marry Ulquiorra just to get in his pants. D: Seriously, what's so good about him? He's girly. But not Luppi girly at least.

Everyone was asking Nnoitra for stuff from the human world, but he wouldn't get anything for me. T.T

Now I'm sad. D':

Again, might I mention. You know, I think I'm emo-er than Ulquiorra. He's just… scene or something. Why do I know these words?

Well, Ulquiorra likes his screamy music, and plays it really loud. He lives right next to me, too. Because Nnoitra is across the hall, and it's like four, five, six… Whatever.

Anyways, screamo sucks. Rap is way better. Even metal is better, but it's still lame.

Yeah…

Well, I was asleep because I cried way more than yesterday (six times more!!), so I was so tired from that I just took a nap. When I woke up, Ulquiorra was walking past me to Szayel, who rooms on the other side. His lab's there and everything, and it's really noisy because there are so many machines and screaming people. Damn, I'm surrounded by screaming. )':

Well, I asked what he was doing and he said he was going to the real world in an emo gigai. Figures.

SO. I offered to go with him and he bitch slapped me fifty times harder than that girl did. It actually stung a lot. And hurt. But I didn't cry! Really!

… okay maybe a little, but Ulquiorra didn't notice…

… because he was going to get his gigai. –sigh-

Well, I think I'll follow him whether he likes it or not. Fight the power, Grimmjow, fight the power!

Epic fail. Well, I think I'll get some… I dunno. Jock gigai. No, those are icky. Haha, ghetto. Yeah, with their huge shirts and everything. Too bad Ulquiorra has to wear tight pants and shirt, but he's skinny enough to pull it off, so…

Whatever. I'm going to get my gigai, too. I hope Szayel isn't too busy. Maybe if I ask really nicely…

Bye!! :D

-Grimmjow


	4. Chapter 4

Ha, I told you I would upload them fast :)

Well, this chapter's really short, and I meant it to be put in with the previous one, but that would have been icky.

Generally unfunny, but I'm trying. And I don't really know how gigais work, so don't kill me, k?

I don't own anything.

**Ulquiorra**

Dear Bill,

I got you a name! It's the lead singer from Tokio Hotel, I saw him on a poster and he is sosooooo pretty! Like, really pretty. Gorgeous, all that good stuff.

So I'm in the human world now, all decked out in my tight gray/black/dark green clothes WITH an emo scarf! And belt! The belt is kinda… spiky. Ya know, metal pyramids n' all. but if I didn't have it, my obscenely tight pants would fall off my nonexistent ass. Dammit, I don't really have an ass. So I can't wear girl's jeans, you know, the flared kind. It would look weird…

So I got grey skinny jeans. They look good on me :D I think. I haven't seen a mirror yet.

And my shirt is kinda weird. It's like… grey-green, only really dark, with this hella sick black tree on it. The tree is hella sick, I swear. It rocks. I'm going to keep this gigai. The scarf is nice, too. All emo, triangular, you know. Checkered. The shit.

Szayel made my skin a little less pale, but people who are walking by are staring at me. I mean, I guess I look like I never come outside (and a bit faggoty), but it's kind of hard for me to get a tan in Hueco Mundo, WHERE THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A SUN. Key word(s), no such thing.

Well, some people are coming over, so I'll finish this quick and hide you so no one will see you.

Auf Wiedersehen

**Grimmjow**

Dear Diary,

Yeiii :D

Szayel made me a gigai. It's so gansta. :)

Well, anyways, I went to the human world with my awesome-sauce giant T-shirt. It's huge, I swear. And my pants kind of don't stay up ): even when I'm using a belt. Well, the ginormous shirt makes up for it, it's so big no one will ever know the color of my boxers :D

Unless they have X-ray vision? I dunno...

I haven't seen Ulquiorra's gigai yet, but I doubt it's as off as mine. I don't even have my rocking blue hair anymore… so sad. ):

Seriously, my hair isn't blue anymore. It's bleach blond. And the gigai doesn't do the permanent makeup thing, so I don't have makeup, but I guess I can't be ghetto with make up.

Well, I'm in the real world right now, writing reeeeeally fast because I need to make friends. Fast. I think this place is called the suburbs. It's pretty quiet, but I've already seen some really scary people!

They were wearing all black! And the girls had short, spiky sharp looking hair and the guys had long hair! And their outfits were FULL of spikes! I bet if they fell on me, I would look like Swiss cheese.

Well, gotta go. Society is calling. I hope I don't cry, that would be embarrassing!

-Grimmjow


	5. Chapter 5

Okay, long update, I went fucking crazy on this chapter. Thank you to my reviewers :D

Uh, I just realized my summary won't make sense for a while. Like, you'll be in the dark for two more chapters. Kind of... spoiler-ish. Ugh.

Anyways, seriously, I feel uber unfunny now. This is getting lamer, but I just felt the overall plot was too much lulz, so...

Enjoy the chapter, and I don't own.

**Ulquiorra**

Dear Bill,

Ow, ow, ow.

I hurt all over.

Turns out this gigai is completely useless when it comes to fighting. Well, emo people always did look really skinny and weak. Hm, but that's not the point.

Well, I finished writing in you, and these really big people came walking up to me. They were kinda like Grimmjow, all muscle and stupidity. I think those are what people call jocks. I mean, they had a football and such. Pfft. Fuckwits are gonna get it from me as soon as I figure out how to cero in this gigai.

I totally could have taken them if I went full out Hollow mode on their sorry asses. Gawd, but like I said, this gigai sucks shit for fighting. I got my ass kicked. :

So they came walking over, right? And I didn't really know what they wanted. So they start out all, "Hey emo kid, what were you writing just now, more shitty poetry?" and "What are you, emo n00b? You and your faggot friends shouldn't be on this side of the building." Shit like that. And before I knew what happened, one came barging up and kicked me in the stomach. It hurt like a bitch, still hurts. Ow.

And then they started beating up on me. I got totally pummeled. They mobbed me, I swear I am shorter as an emo kid because they were fucking HUGE. B(

They are so going to get it. I remember each one of them. Once I get bored and go back to Hueco Mundo, I will come back and kill them all. Then I will probably eat their souls. Ha. :D

Well, I guess they got bored of me after a while, 'cos they stopped mobbing. But by that time, there were a whole fucking hoard of them. Ugh. One of them picked me up and slung me over their shoulder. He smelled weird, ew. Like… sweat and gross crap like that.

I need to cero their asses. Now.

Well, they carried me to a school and tied my legs up completely. That hurt more than when they hit me. Because they obviously thought my legs looked skinnier than they really are, and tied the rope really tight.

Goddammit, they are so dead when I get out of this.

Well, at the school, there's this thing called a… flagpole. And they took the other end of the string and hung me up by my legs on the flagpole. And here I am, dangling from the flagpole, writing in you upside-down, Bill. So. Fucking. Pissed.

Urgh! I will fucking MURDER their asses. And them, too.

Well, I guess I can come down any time I really want, but they're still waiting for me. I can hear them, hiding in the bushes. And since I have too little blood to begin with, not enough of it is rushing to my head to cause any damage or make my face pink or something…

Ouch. My stomach still hurts. I just checked it, and damn! I don't have any abs at all. It's just… flat. Like an anorexic girl. Damn, seriously, no defined muscles at all. :

I'm starting to like this gigai less.

Well, there's this huge-ass bruise on my stomach. It looks really gross. And my nose was bleeding, but it stopped now. But still, the blood totally dried running down my face. At least it's stopped now, or I won't be able to see. And my lip is busted, too. That's still bleeding.

Hm. Numerous injuries that I can deal with.

Anyways, I'm done with this, I'm getting down. The rope is so fucking thin, I'll just chew through it. Simple.

Auf Wiedersehen!

**Grimmjow**

Dear Diary,

I was just walking and I saw this whole mob of people watching something. So I stopped and watched, too and saw this anorexic kid in a green shirt hanging upside down from a pole. D:

It was scary!! And all those mean people were laughing at him.

But he got down really quickly. Just bit down on the string and dropped. Landed pretty nicely, too. Did one of those midair flips and hit the ground standing. Sweet jump.

But I dunno. I didn't want to end up like that poor kid on the flagpole so I scrammed.

Anyways, met some really nice people! At least I think they're nice. They let me stay at there house. But I'm outside, writing in you because I have uber night vision. :D

Actually, it's still day, but don't tell anyone! :)

Well, I think they're ghetto like me. They listened to rap reeeeally loud in their car and we went around smashing mailboxes. It was fun. Except when this scary old lady came running out of her house and threatened to sic her cat on us. I think I cried, I'm not sure.

Well, I guess I'll be staying here for a while. They call me newbie and said they'd teach me to be hardcore ghetto. That'll be fun :

I hope it doesn't hurt!

There aren't any parents home, so we just microwaved crap from the freezer and ate it. It tasted fine, better than it looked.

They told me that I acted like a complete pussy and had to stop or they'll demote me to emo. Ugh, that'll be like Ulquiorra. By the way, I haven't seen him all day. I wonder how he's doing.

So they taught me all these new funny words! They said that if I ever got really pissed off, I couldn't use them! I'm so excited, I'm going to be a gangster! :D

Anyways, I went back after we ate to the school and saw that those mean people had left the kid in the green shirt lying on the ground. I went over to check and I think he's dead. I mean, he wasn't moving and his skin looked pale enough to be dead. And there was all this blood, too. Damn, that was a lot of blood for someone so skinny. D:

Well, I mean, I can't be sure he's dead, but I wasn't going to do CPR on him. All that blood… T.T Gross. And I'm just sitting next to him, writing in my diary. Seriously, it's been twenty minutes and he hasn't moved. Maybe if I kicked him he'll say something.

… Nope, didn't work. I kicked him really hard like fifty billion times and he was still lying there. In his own blood, eeeewww. It's everywhere, I'm pretty much sitting in the one patch of asphalt that isn't red.

Never mind, I'm not… It's all blood.

I think I'll get out of here 'cos now I'm sure the kid's dead. I don't want to take the blame for this…

Okay, I'm in a park now. Pretty close to the school so I wouldn't waste any time. But tomorrow, they said they would help me get new clothes :D

Meaning they pick, I pay. Psh, Szayel gave me enough to do random crap, I won't worry about it.

Okay, that's it for now, bye.

-Grimmjow


	6. Chapter 6

'Nother update...

Nothing really to say about this chapter except that if feels more like... fillers or something. Just there to tell you what it is. Anyhoo...

Thank you to my reviewers :D

And I don't own anything.

**Ulquiorra**

Dear Bill,

Ugh. I woke up in someone's house. It's a weird house, not really a house, more like an apartment. I think I'm on the couch right now, in the thing they call a living room. That word never made fucking sense. All the rooms in here are for living, so why do they call one of them living rooms? Maybe the other ones are torture chambers (I doubt it…). The dude in here doesn't know I'm awake yet, but he's in the kitchen, and he's really loud.

Goddammit, I hurt like a bitch. The blood is still there, oh god. I got it all over the sheets. Wow, that's sick. I made a mess.

Huh, now that I look, I made a mess all over the carpet, too. What the fuck was I doing?

Wow, I'm really dizzy… can't think straight. You know, I think I'm gonna pass ou

**Grimmjow**

Dear Diary!

Wow! Today was awesome. I got a new shirt, but didn't really want anything else, so we went to the skating rink and beat up some people on skateboards! We took their skateboards and whacked them with it. I think they broke someone's arm, but…

I dunno, I'm feeling a bit guilty for doing that. I mean… I feel like those mean kids that killed that boy in the green shirt.

Oh crud! I forgot to tell you. I went back to check on that kid this morning and I think they cleaned up the body or something. Well, he's not there anymore, but he didn't walk away 'cos there's this really big smear across the ground where they dragged him away. I wonder when they'll clean off the ground, it's making me kinda sick.

Well… We hung around this place called McDonald's, but the food there smelled funny, so I didn't eat anything. Just drank water. And even that smelled funny. ):

I wonder if they did anything to the water… maybe they use tap water? D: That's disgusting.

And while we were there, they explained to me how to act. I can't cry, and I have to learn to say those funny words more often, too. AND I had to learn who to hate.

I told them about the kid in the green shirt, and when I said that he had a really long fringe of hair covering one eye, they told me he's an emo, and I have to hate people like him because they're all pussies. Hm, well, it doesn't make much sense to me, 'cos I'm the same as he is. Wouldn't that be considered… racist? I dunno, I'm confused D':

After that, we played a game with a ball and two hoops. It was fun, but I wasn't looking and hit a pole, and then the ball hit me. It hurt T.T

I still need to kill Ichigo.

And we also smoked some funny white powder. I didn't really want it, 'cos it made my friend's act weird, but they said it was fun.

It wasn't that great. I don't think I'll try it again.

Well, we're supposed to leave soon. They said we're going to go somewhere called a 'club'. They said that was fun, too.

I'll write after I get back!

-Grimmjow

**Ulquiorra**

Dear Bill,

Godammit. I still hurt like crazy, but not as much. That dude came over when I woke up again and gave me a pill and water.

Dammit, I took it too. But he had pretty hair and pretty eyes, so I guess I'm okay. I think he's emo. Like me, but don't tell anyone.

Well, he said I didn't break anything, and that I just got really badly bruised and that I should be lucky. He's wrong. I went into the bathroom and checked, and I fractured my wrist and broke three ribs.

Ugh, I remember what happened now.

After I got down, those dickweeds decided hit me again, and this time, they brought metal baseball bats. They totally beat me with those fucking bats until I passed out, then they beat me some more until they thought I died.

I think they thought I died and freaked out.

Well, I'm not dead, but I look like CRAP. D:

I checked in the mirror, good, no black eyes, but I have this huge bruise across my cheek and some on my jaw. My neck looks pretty bad, I think someone tried to strangle me so they could hit me better. Stupid. I wouldn't need to strangle them to even kill them. Anyways, I'm all bruises and blood. I washed some of that off, but the bruises don't wash off, obviously. I don't think I'm seriously injured, so I'll stop bitching.

My gigai doesn't look like me, which is pretty cool. They got rid of my emo tattoos, the ones of fake tears. Everyone thinks I do those with makeup, but I don't. I've had them forever, I swear. And like I said, I'm not that pale. My eyes are still green, which is nice, but they don't match my hair.

SZAYEL FUCKING DYED MY GIGAI HAIR!! That bitch is so dead. He fucking dyed it BLUE. I mean, it's only the bangs, and it's really dark blue (that turns purple in the sunlight. Talk about weird), but still. Ugh. And my fringe is really long. I like it. And I don't need that much hairspray 'cos my hair is all choppy layers now and sticks up weird on their own. Still need some hairspray though…

I think I need new clothes, my old ones got really beat up. Except for my belt, that's still fine :D

The guy that dragged me up here is called Damian. Like I said, he's emo, too. I think he went through this mass pwnage also when he turned. Or maybe he was always emo, and the jocks never beat up on him.

Psh, no way. He's gotten beat up before.

Yeah, I'm going to stay at Damian's for now. Meaning for the rest of my stay at the human world. Fun. Actually, he's pretty cool. He's teaching me to play that sick instrument the guitar. It's fucking awesome, I get to play the bass. In his awesome-sauce band. I haven't met the rest of the band, but he said they needed a bassist and were short on people like us… meaning emos.

He told me about this cult that the emo people have, where they go and fight jocks/punks/Goths/ghetto bitches/other emos just because. I guess it's to prove that emos can fight, and I don't really blame them. We suck shit at fighting, this gigai being proof. B(

Well, I'll be leaving. Damian is going to figure out what to do with my broken ribs. I think they're healing already, that's one thing Szayel does well. Uber fast healing rate.

It's like a video game. :D

Nacht, Bill!


	7. Chapter 7

Oh joy, an update.

Moar plot progression people.

Thank you to my ever so patient reviewers :D Thanks for reviewing.

I do not own anything.

**Ulquiorra**

Dear Bill,

I think the fast healing rate kicked in. I'm feeling better. Well, I did another check and my wrist isn't fractured anymore. Psh, just a hairline fracture anyways. And Damian still bandaged up my side 'cos he thought my broken ribs weren't healed yet. He never found the fracture.

We went to the mall. Since my clothes were pretty bad (except the belt. Damn, that thing is solid steel. I didn't notice before D:) I borrowed some of his. He has a lot of screamo band T-shirts. I think I'm liking him better and better…

Anyways, the shirt I wore was an Underoath shirt, he said. And my jeans were pretty dead, so I borrowed some of his, too. This is reeeeally fucking awkward.

So we bought some new clothes at the mall. Places like Hot Topic for the mainstream and vintage stores for everything else. I love the vintage stores, they are awesome :D

Again, the reeeeally tight shirt and jeans were all there. I tried on some, and they sell some that are insanely tight jeans. I mean, I tried a pair on, and they were uncomfortable in… you know. Well, since all the jeans were tight, Damian said I had to get used to it. I got a few sweaters called hoodies, too. They are fucking awesome. And accessories, like scarves 'cos I like them, things called wristbands, gloves (they're really weird, fingerless, you know? Totally not like Szayel's), uh, more belts, makeup, plugs (I hadn't realized my ears were pierced, but they were! And they were gauge earrings. Weird…).

Oh shit! I forgot, we got shoes, too. Actually, I just got a pair, and we're walking around breaking them in. Damian says that they'll feel better when they get a little more worn. I hope so, this feels like crap right now. Well, he's watching me write this, and we're listening to his iPod. People are watching us weird and I threw a few rocks at little kids. Ha, bitches had it coming :D

Well, aside from all the clothes, which we dropped off back at his apartment (WTF, don't these people have PARENTS? Guess not, I don't…), he gave me one of his old skateboards, and we're going to skate around. Not the skating rink, ew. That's for dipwads like skaters. No, he said we're going to go meet the rest of the band now…

Anyways, auf wiedersehen, Bill.

P.S. Damian didn't know I was German, he just asked what that means. Haha, funny.

**Grimmjow**

Dear Diary,

Wow, the pressure's seriously getting to me T.T

I can't cry in public or they'll laugh at me, so I had to wait until I went to sleep and then had a good cry. Well, maybe it counts for only once a day, but I wanted to cry, like, twenty times during… does that count? I dunno.

Sigh…

They said that the whole gang was scheduled for a fight with some emos the next morning. He explained the whole situation to me, and it sounded really scary )':

Apparently, the emos decided to pick a fight back on the basketball courts, so they ganged up on one of them and beat him until he cried.

Well, I'd imagine that wasn't very long, I would have cried if they flicked me or something…

Anyways, he left and the emos got 'butthurt' (I don't get that word there), so they called and said that they would have a 'fair fight', one on one with a gang member. Those weird people…

So, they tried to teach me how to fight, and I realized!!

This gigai is pretty good for fighting :D

I mean, I already knew how to fight, and since I'm not a skinny-ass emo/punk, then I can still do some uber things. Apparently, I can't cero ):

So then they said they didn't really need to teach me, and just told me not to kill any of them or they would get in trouble. But how can I prove my manhood if I can't even kill them? That's the complete point of fighting; to kill something.

Oh well, maybe Aizen's just confused when he tells us that. Either that, or I don't ghettit again. Ugh.

I woke up this morning, and it was reeeeally early, like… it was still dark. ):

So I look out the window and I see these two people skating by, and OH MY GOD! Here's the scary part. I think one of them was that kid in the green shirt, only he wasn't wearing a green shirt anymore. He had a sweater on. I guess he wasn't dead after all. That's a nice thought, but he looked pretty good considering… how he was yesterday.

Well anyways, I watched them skate down the street. They were both carrying something really big and bulky. Why didn't they fall? I would have fallen. I can't even ride those skateboards… T.T

Well, it's still early. I think I'll try to catch some more sleep, but I'm going to have to get used to this. Hollows don't sleep much.

Huh, never mind, I think I'll follow that boy and see what they're up to…

-Grimmjow

**Ulquiorra**

Dear Bill,

The band members are AWESOME.

Thank god I'm a Hollow and can learn shit like crap quick. I can play the bass okay now, it's really… convenient almost.

The band is called Shotgun Continuum. Sweet name, and they play screamo :D Ha, this is soso fucking badass. I feel like hitting something with my guitar, but that would ruin it. Ugh.

But get this: I'm not in the same room as the rest of the band right now. I'm outside. Why?

Because some dipwad by the name of GRIMMJOW came knocking. He didn't know it was me, but I went outside to talk to him and he was so Grimmjow. Ugh, talk about being fuckwit-ish.

Well, I told him it was me later through the chat and he kinda got upset. Ranting and spewing shit about how I betrayed his trust by not telling him and about how he saw me and thought I was dead and… yeah. Disrespect, hurt, all the good shit. I wasn't listening.

So he briefed me on how he was doing, like I could care less B(

And I didn't tell him how I was doing. I am fine, thank you very much.

But while he was telling me about his friends, I started bad mouthing them, and he got all pissy and said that his group was way better than mine. Dream on, bitch. And after than, he called my friends pussies and wankers and all that shit.

Bitch is gonna be dead when we get back home.

Anyways, we set up a BET. Ha, he bet me, the moron.

He bet me about the fighting thing. He said that he could beat more emo kids than I could beat ghetto buttfucks in a week. So I had to humor him and bet against him.

Ha, he nearly cried when I did. He knows he's gonna lose.

Well, I think I'll go back inside and practice. Lmfao… the loser thinks he can win. Haha. So funny. I even beat him at strip poker, he can't win at this.

Whoa! It's really early… four in the morning.

I think I should be saying guten morgan, Bill!

**Grimmjow**

Dear Diary,

Noooo!!

I bet Ulquiorra! Crap, crap, crap!!

I'm so going to lose.

Turns out HE was the dead kid. Figures, he can't really die, already did once and that's enough. But I talked to him and it didn't sound like he thought about me ONCE while we were here. How could he? I was worrying about him… well, not really.

But I bet him that I could beat more emo kids than he could beat gangsters! T.T Yeah I know, I am so going to lose.

The rest of the gang isn't awake yet, so they don't know why I'm going to go batshit crazy on them tomorrow…

Sorry for the short entry, but I really need to get some sleep after that. I cried for a whole hour, and it's five right now. Well, I think I'll just… go to late bed. Wish me luck for tomorrow D':

-Grimmjow.


	8. Chapter 8

Halloooooo... i has another update.

I really shouldn't be using the computer right now, so I'll make it quick.

Several moar chapters. I don't know, because I haven't written all of them.

But since people read the last chapter... you should get the idea that it'll last a while.

Enjoy, and I don't own

**Ulquiorra**

Dear Bill,

Oh my fucking GAWD :D

Today's the day we go kick the ghetto kid's asses. I think we're going to walk down there, yeah, we're leaving now, so I have to be quick. I'll write back really soon, as soon as I can!

Which won't be long, considering how big of a pansy Grimmjow is.

**Grimmjow**

Dear Diary,

I can't believe it! I told the others that the emos bet against us, and they said that they are bringing BASEBALL BATS.

My integrity will not stand for this!

… but my social life will…

Well, yeah, we are going to cheat. But I can't help thinking that I will still lose to Ulquiorra, even with this massive handicap.

Oh well, we're leaving now, which means I have to, too!

**Ulquiorra**

Dear Bill,

Holy shit.

Holy motherfucking shit.

Today was pretty awesome.

We brought a few emo friends with us to the basketball court where we had the fight.

But the other people brought baseball bats. Holy shit, holy shit, holy shiiiiit!

But we started out one on one, and the one guy with pink striped arm warmers was going to fight the other generic ghetto buttfuck. So they were totally punching and wrestling, all that stuff, and our dude's shirt got totally ripped… He said he wore is lousy shirt, though…

But he was beating that gangster bitch into the ground. That dude was eating concrete, serious concrete. It was great. And then they tried to hit him with a baseball bat, and I think Damian got mad, and then we were all doing some super Ghetto Holocaust or something. We were dead pissed.

So it turned into this all out free-for-all, and we massacred them. They were DEAD by the time we finished :D

Awesome.

Well, I guess they're at home now. Grimmjow got owned. He cried, of course. I swear, he's such a poser emo, either that or he's a fuckwit. Haha, something tells me that it's the latter.

But a few of us suffered some fatal pwnage. Meaning a few got beat down, too. Kind of glad I'm not one of them. Damian and I are out in front of a café, sitting on the little display table. Ha, in your face, bitches.

Anyways… listening to his iPod again and brooding over what to do next.

**Grimmjow**

Dear Diary,

The fight was bad.

My team cheated big time. Halfway through the fight, we were so obviously losing, (it was really scary. I think I was crying again… T.T) I think I cried because of that.

I also think I won't do this again.

I'm so scared right now. I wish I had one of those teddy bears that make people feel better… D':

They killed us. We had the bats, but they grabbed them and threw them away. and then they started punching us. It was bad. ):

I need my pillow. I really need it to cry in.

That means, I got punched, too. They completely beat down on us, it was bad.

I dunno, the gang is busy fixing broken bones (I know! They broke bones D:) and discussing revenge. I personally want no part in this because the emos will beat us again.

Ugh. Now I losing the bet to Ulquiorra, and since we didn't have fixed stakes, he has time to decide what to do to me. What am I going to do? ; . ;

Seriously, I need to beat more emo kids… I need to find a really wussy one. That'll be easier, I guess…

I don't know. The gang said that if we can't beat them in a fight, we can humiliate them in any way possible.

They said something about making a video to put on YouTube. About emo stalking or… emo hunting. Something that is anti-emo.

I hope this is less violent than the fight, and I hope this works better, too.

I dunno, I we neeeed a cameraaaaa…

What was that.

Sigh. I'm still not over the shock. Anyways…

-Grimmjow


	9. Chapter 9

Okay people... This will be the last chapter for a week, as I am going to Canada to visit relatives.

Ugh. So not thrilled.

But on another note, thanks to my reviewers. I really appreciate you putting in the time to write something :)

This chapter was inspired by the Emo Beatdown Day. Don't get me wrong, I love emos, they are great. Hell, I'm even an emo myself. Point is, I don't go hating emos, or anything. So yeah. Longer update that really won't last all week, but I try...

Enjoy, and I don't own anything

**Ulquiorra**

Dear Bill!

What THE fuck.

What the fuck was that shit today? Oh my god, so fucking pissed off!

Who the fuck do they think they are? Uuuuuughhhhh… B(

Those dipshits (you know who) did something really retarded today. I'm watching it with Damian on YouTube right now.

Sick bastards. I swear, ghetto can't mean what it means. D:

It must be something like… Gay… Homosexuals… Eat… two tons… of-shit. One word.

Yes, that must be it, I'm a genius. Anyways, back to the YouTube.

So today, I was going to go to the bathroom in the morning to fix and hairspray my hair, and I see those motherfucking bastards in Damian's bathroom (he was behind me, by the way. Going to straighten his hair) dressed up like the motherfucking Crocodile Hunter.

He was going through Damian's stuff, and then he turned and saw us coming and said (in the gayest Australian accent EVAR) something about keeping quiet to see the emos in their natural habitat. So we walk up there, and he's all, we've got a gorgeous emo here, a gooooorgeeeoooouuus specimen (see, gay, amirite?).

And then we say, "What are you doing here?" Only not really nice.

And he looks around all shifty and says something about not knowing…?

And Damian says, I don't even know you, etc. what are you doing in my bathroom etc.

Before we knew what happened, him and his faggy assistant _bagged_ us. As in they fucking put a bag over our heads and picked us up. In a bag. It was soooo ugh. D:

And then we get put in these puny dog carriers. I felt like I was all arms and legs in there, seriously. No fucking room.

We drove around for a while and then they got out, carried us somewhere and dumped us out onto the sidewalk, so called "putting us back in out natural habitat".

Fuckwits are going to get it.

But that wasn't it. That was only… like… an hour of the morning.

After that, all these other people came by in cars and beat up on us, you know, chasing, tackling, punching/clubbing. The works.

They were… pretending to be, like, an emo population control police or something.

Fucktards. Damn the fucktards. Fuck them all to hell.

And when they fight, they totally try to rape us. I mean, contrary to popular belief, tight jeans don't stay on that easy, so when I was getting wrestled into licking the curb (ew, it had ants on it), they started pulling at the belt, which pulled at the pants, which sagged pretty far.

And I lost my shirt. I don't know what happened to it. Someone stole it, that's it. And they stole my purple scarf. Goddammit, why didn't I wear a sweater today?

I told Damian I would meet him outside the mall, and people are staring, BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE A FUCKING SHIRT. I wonder whose fault that is.

By the way, they managed to get me to lick the curb. Meaning they smashed me under their fat asses and grabbed the back of my neck so I wouldn't move. Not like I could move with that fucktard metalhead lying on top of me. With his chains digging into my back. Ugh. Well, he got his dirty hand into my mouth, that was seriously uncalled for, and totally forced me to scrub my tongue on the curb.

Like I said, there were ants on it. B(

Anyways, I see Damian now. And I'm still pissed after this whole day of rape…

**Grimmjow**

Dear Diary,

Haha, today was soooo cool!

Turned out, it was Emo Beatdown Day or something, so no one stopped us when we beat them up. Ha.

It was so fun. :D

I mean, we're all still bruised (I think I have really fast healing rates to go with this gigai. Pretty cool…) But we played Emo Hunter with them.

And then we pretended that the emos wandered into the neighborhood and had to be removed to their natural habitat.

So we brought them around in pet boxes and left them out on the sidewalk somewhere really far away. :D

So fun. Anyways, they left, and then the other emo haters tracked them down and attacked them, trying to rid the world of emos.

Anyways, Ulquiorra and his friends have been preoccupied with all the "Hunters" going around, and I beat up three emo kids! :D

Actually, that was probably because today was Emo Beatdown day. Hm, whatever. It was easy to beat them up. I threw a glass bottle at one and he got knocked out. Haha, Coke bottles…

Well, I got another one when he was riding on his scooter. We kicked him. It was funny…

And then the other one, I ran up behind one and pushed him into this telephone booth. You should have heard the sound his head made when he hit it. :D

Ha, and that was pretty much it for my emo beating up…

The only thing that made it even better was that Ulquiorra was totally out today, there was no way for him to beat anything up! Well, it would be hard, since he's the one being beat up…

I wonder if I could try to beat him up. Something tells me no. Ugh.

Moving on…

Those really creepy kids with all the spikes and black were back again. T.T

And then my friends thought they were emos and tried to beat them up.

It didn't work, obviously. They got their ass kicked D:

Like, seriously, they got totally owned. One of the scary kids took off his spiked belt (I'm glad his pants didn't fall off. What's with all these emos and their look-alikes being so skinny? I mean, how do their pants stay on?) and started whipping one of the dudes with it. It made this huge snapping sound every time he did. So scary. T.T

Dude, but seriously, some people came over and broke it up, and the scary kid put his belt back on. Those spikes were soooo sharp. So much sharper than the ones on Ulquiorra's belt.

Uh… and I was just thinking about it, even with the belt, those emos pants don't really stay up. Like… we were wrestling with one, and by the end of it, his pants were totally being pulled off. No, we totally weren't going to rape him, honest. But seriously, the guys were pulling his pants off when they wrestled and pulling his shirt up. Ugh. Looked weeeeeiiiird and awkward! At least he was wearing boxers… and they weren't ugly, either. I hate ugly boxers.

I think that if boxers are pretty, they should be worn outside the jeans. Then people can see that you don't have ugly boxers :D

Or not.

Well, yeah, emo people need even tighter belts. Or they need to make sure their jeans stay up, 'cos their shirts are too tight and short to cover anything below the waist. And if they wear low rise jeans, it gets a bit awkward. At least they're wearing those stripy sweaters nowadays. Ugh.

I looked up those scary kids and it said they were punks and Goths. So scary D':

They did bad things to some of the emos, like really bad things. Things like… stealing their sweaters and shirts. Um… chaining them up and leading them around like dogs. Uh… I dunno.

Well, I think they're higher up on the food chain than emos. Actually, I don't really know how this hierarchy works.

Wait, lemme think.

Yeah, old ladies on top because they will kill our asses with those walkers. Those things are so batshit crazy… and then the Goths, and jocks, us, emos are really low, then. Are they lower than ten year olds?

I don't think so. I think Jonas Brothers fans are below them.

Oh well. See you for now while I savor the moment.

-Grimmjow


	10. Chapter 9 and a half

Seriously, I shouldn't really be here doing this right now, BUT, this... cafe thing has FREE :D internet.

So I wrote a random mini bonus for you. If you read the last chapter, it happened to be Emo Beatdown Day. So crazy things happened. Such as the Emo Hunter... So here's an actual script for teh YouTube video made my joeyheartattack and his friend alexadrenaline.

Sorry, I most definitely wrote the wrong things down, but I can't hear those bits. Or I can, but I don't understand x(

I am not claiming I own any of joeyheartattack or alexadrenaline's videos, or ideas. This is all copyrighted to them. WATCH THEM ON YOUTUBE OR WHATEVER.

EMO HUNTER: (Australian accent) Hello! Welcome to today's episode of Emo Hunter. Let's go find some emos.

(Shots of EMO HUNTER walking in various places)

EH: So today's target is about medium height with dark brown and blonde hair. He's wearing skinny jeans, and has a purple jacket. Let's go try to find him.

(Scene change. EMO HUNTER is hiding out behind some trash)

EH: I'm the Emo Hunter. Let's go.

EH: (Stops, points. Excited) Hold on, hold on… There he is! Come on, let's go!! D:

(Chases emo)

EMO: OH FUCK. (Is tackled to the ground. Spazzes out)

EH: (Points gun at EMO) Bloody hell, what the fuck are you doing?

EMO: (Close up on EMO's face) You chase me down with a gun, and you look like a little queer. What the hell am I gonna to do?

EH: (Still pointing gun at EMO.) Well, you just look like a stupid little emo, so…

EMO: (Gets up, puts on hood, takes gun) Number one, you look like a fucking crapped your ass bitch. Number two, you don't look like an Emo Hunter, you look like some skanky little-

EH: (upset, grabs back gun and shoots EMO in the face) lol cut… And you look like a ho, too.

EMO: -dead-

END PART ONE

Watch the entire series on joeyheartattack142's (that's his username) YouTube page. And subscribe for part four. Totally not advertising these guys.

If you are too lazy to search them up, I have the link posted below.

REMOVE THE SPACES DIPWAD…

http : / / www . youtube . com/user/joeyheartattack124


	11. Chapter 10

I'm baaaack... I know, you're all happy to see me :)

No, not really. Anyways, here's the update. I was off in Canada. There really are a lot of emo boys there, it was great.

Anyways, this chapter was random. I was confused when I wrote it.

**Ulquiorra**

Dear Bill,

Teh lulz.

Only not really, but…

Anyways, I should explain.

Yesterday was Emo Beatdown Day, right? And I got my ass fucking owned. Just that once. That one day, but no other time. It was _once_. Well, Grimmjow was winning the bet because he picked on a couple of pansies, so, I was pretty pissed, see? Because I don't want to lose.

But today :) lol I bought a Jonas Brother's CD (The clerk looked at me weird when I did, it was funny but embarrassing to be caught buying that shit) and beat up a couple of "gangstas" and forced them to listen to it. So funny, they were screaming like the Saw victims I saw in the movie yesterday. :O

Anyways, after I played the CD on their way to big boomboxes that they carry around (retarded low lives, nothing to do but drag shit like that around), I like, totally had to pull a Criss Angel (Houdini is gone; it's all about the MindFreak now) before the fans showed up. They showed up, like, sososososoooo fast it was really creepy. D:

Well, I wasn't going to stay and get trampled, so…

Anyways, I put the music on really loud, and as soon as I escaped, I saw the fans run screaming towards that pile of shit. I swear, they were all half my height. And I'm short.

Uh, let's see. I only got two then, then I kicked a coffee shop door down on one (I had to pay for that, it broke. The glass went everywhere), and I just plain old beat up one more. And then put a jar over his head, it was spectacular. I wonder if he got it off yet,

So considering that I beat up two gangsters two days ago, and four today, that's six to Grimmjow's pathetic three.

I sense ultimate pwnage.

Grimmjow bought some candy, by the way. I stole one, a red one, it was good. It made my tongue really red, but it was already really red in the first place, so…

He got kind of pissy when I did, but what's he going to do?

I saw the crappiest art today on DeviantArt. It sucked ass. I mean, if shitty art was gold, then DeviantArt would be the motherfucking Fort Knox. If shitty art were a whole crapload of fucking retarded five year olds, then DeviantArt would be a Jonas Brothers concert. If shitty art were shit, then DeviantArt would be one massive pile of shit.

Point made. Don't argue ;)

I still don't know what I'll do if -excuse me, when- I win the bet. I'm not sure, run him over with a motorcycle? Hit him with my guitar? Make him take care of the woman back at home?

Haha, nvm, I think I'll force him to let Szayel use him as a test subject. Yup, yup. Fun. And I'll steal his iPod too. He has a fucking iPod touch, I want it.

Seriously, that guy is so clueless. I totally owned him at Halo today. He was so bummed out by the end, it wasn't even funny. Okay, not it was really funny. But I lied and said I was a n00b just to beat his ass. He believed me. Gullible little fuck…

Well, I kind of don't have much to say, so Auf Wiedersehen!

**Grimmjow**

Dear Diary,

I only beat up one emo kid, and I don't think he really counted. T . T

I just sorta… found the nearest kid with black hair and a black shirt and hit him in the face with a stick. It made a funny sound and he just fell on the ground and passed out.

Well, I couldn't find anymore, because I was just a tiny bit maybe afraid of them. I mean, yesterday wasn't exactly friendly or nice at all…

Sighs.

I guess Ulquiorra is ahead of me again. I saw him buying a Jonas Brother CD at the store today, who knew he liked that lame music? Not that I'd understand.

The others said my hair was sick, but is that a good thing? :S

We were at this pizza place, and this one waiter was serving us and totally started screaming about my hair. Was it a he or a she? I'm not sure, but I think it was a she. But I saw some facial hair… ew, much?

He thought I was gay. Well, he started screaming like a fangirl and ranted about how my hair was awesome and whether I wanted to hang out sometime or if he could… he said a lot of things I don't get. ):

So we left and got pizza somewhere else. Still, it was really awkward.

I need a plan to beat up more emo kids, this seriously isn't working.

Hey, I found the greatest thing today. It was… like a paper box. With pretty patterns on it. And there was more paper that you could pull out of it. That paper felt weird, it was so soft. Anyways, I was kinda confused as to why it was there and pulled it out, and there was another one!! Oh my god, it was so exciting, but weird! So I kept pulling them out, and there were soooo many of them. I swear, I just kept pulling them out until they finally stopped appearing. Then I didn't really know what to do with the funny soft paper so I just drew pictures on them. I ruined most of them because I used marker, but oh well…

But that thing was soooo cool!! I totally loved it, it rocked. They guys got kind of mad at me for it, and thought I was crazy. I guess they didn't like my pictures. I can't blame them, they were really bad. They don't like bad artwork.

And then I was really bored after that because they hid all the other paper boxes so I went to the store a bought a bag of lollipops (Ulquiorra stole one from me. he grabbed it out of the bag when he passed me on the street) and tried to stick as many of them as I could onto my face. I got twenty-six. I don't know how, don't ask me. The guys thought it was really funny, so we spent the rest of the day sticking candy onto our faces and playing video games.

Oh, and Ulquiorra told me that he could lick his elbow. I think that's kind of impossible looking at him. His arms are way to long for that. But he has a really long tongue, so I guess it works.

But then I tried to lick my elbow and it got dislocated. D':

It hurt a lot!! And one of my friends had to reset it. that hurt even more. ):

I also lost at Halo to Ulquiorra. He _said _he never played before…

A:N

Please comment! :D It makes me happy to know people haven't ditched me.


	12. Chapter 11

Hello, hello :D

Sorry I haven't updated; school started so I'll probably only put stuff up on the weekends. If something does appear on weekdays, do your little collective gasp thing and read it or something

And before I say anything else, I'd like to thank my reviewers. You guys are all really supportive, and I appreciate that you take time to write a review.

Heads up: this story will end the day after the bet ends. you can count on maybe five more weeks of hanging around.

Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach or any other copyrighted thing mentioned below, including bands and games.

**Ulquiorra**

Dear Bill: Day three,

I suppose I should start counting the days until this crappy affair is over… :S

Only the third day, I believe. Well, all the more time for me to ass rape Grimmjow at this bet.

He sucks major shit. I beat up more people today. That makes a total of nine.

On another note, we had a gig somewhere today. I don't know if I played all the right notes, the bar was too loud. It's not like the paid much attention to us, anyways, but I got the sense that some didn't like us.

So we were playing, playing, playing… etc. Doing our shit. We already did a cover of some Flood of Red and Silverstein, and then we were halfway through an Underoath number when a bottle hit me.

Don't think it was one of those lame bottling pansies thinking they are such hardcore metal douches. It was a fucking glass bottle, and it hit me in the side of the head as I turned to check with the lead. I dunno what happened. My legs mysteriously stopped supporting my weight and I fell halfway to the ground before it all went.

That was lame. Lame. Ass.

Goddammit. God motherfucking dammit. Wow, that's another added to the one I will kill. Ugh.

No visible bruises, thank god, and I was only out for twenty minutes. It was funny, the band saw it and just sat down and waited for me to wake up. Actually, they splashed me with water until I woke up. Nvm, it wasn't water, it was alcohol.

Oh well. I can safely say my first gig went like a drunk squirrel in a shithole mosh pit. It sucked.

So when we got home, Damian totally crashed. That guy may seem totally wired during the day, but when he sleeps, I swear. Nothing will wake him up. He's like a… porcupine on morphine or something.

Not much to say today… I think I'm getting addicted to Guitar Hero and Resident Evil. Not to mention Assassin's Creed. Damian and I spend our lives in his apartment playing video games, it's great.

By the way, I never described the guy, did I? I think he's… seventeen? And it's summer break right now, so he doesn't have school. That will end soon, it's August. (Seriously, where are his parents? Other kids have parents?) This guy's maybe-kinda tall. I wouldn't know. He's five ten, so… it's up to you. He's skinny as fuck, too, and has that kind of face. I don't know how to describe it really. It's like… kind of long, maybe oval shaped? Or a rectangle, why the fuck do I care? Uh, no offense, but his hair is really ratty when he doesn't put it up. It's pretty and spiky when he hairsprays it to death, but if he doesn't it just hangs there. Ratty. He dyes it every two weeks, he said. Meaning he changes the color every two weeks. What an idiot, it's going to ruin his hair. What's the current color?

Hot pink.

I kid you not, he has it in pink. Black with pink over that on the top layer or something… uh. He's also got that German nose. You know, the one that it kid of pointed and only kind of turned up at the end? You get that, right?

And his eyes are… I don't actually know. I haven't looked very closely but I'm ruling out blue. But he wears a good deal of smudged eyeliner, kinda like that guy from Green Day. And his eyebrows aren't that pronounced either, but they're there.

Watch him bleach his hair next.

There's also this show called Death Note. It's a Japanese cartoon, lol. And that character, L... I swear, he stole my face. Only he's not as badass; all he does is sit around at his computer all day, talking. But still, he was cute :D

I was so sad when he died ; . ;

Ugh, why do I always die? I mean, I'm not him, but come one. I look like him. They hate me, I know it.

**Grimmjow**

Dear Diary,

School is supposed to start in two days. I wonder if Ulquiorra knows that.

I'm actually pretty hyped to go to school. Maybe I can make some new friends, yay :D

Actually, will I even be going to school? I don't really know how old I am. I hope I'm not too young, or it'll be stupid.

Oh well. I guess I'll have to sign up for classes. And if I go, Ulquiorra will be there, too. I'd better take higher classes than he does, but I was never that good at tests and stuff… ):

Ugh, he'll win at that, too.

On another note, I went out and tried to beat up some emos today. I couldn't find any, they were all hiding or something D:

I even tried to coffee shop and the mall. No emos.

So later, we went out to get some school supplies or something. Because I don't have any. And I got new everything, only I'm not really sure how to use it all. It'll work out eventually.

But when I was waiting for them to get all their stuff, all I got to do was keep buying Coke and Mentos. I blew them up, it was fun. You know, shooting jets of soft drink at ugly dogs weird plants and stuff. And spiders, I hate spiders ; . ;

Anyways… we went to watch a movie after that, and we watched a really scary one with naked people and dark rooms and funny noises DX

It was really scary, I was really freaked out, so I had to keep my eyes closed the whole time. But then I opened them at one point and there was a girl without any clothes standing there. I think I screamed, I'm not sure.

I don't get what they were doing, too. It was a bad movie.

Oh, no! Wait! Then I found a few emos in the arcade and threw the gun controller at him. Does that count as a beat up?

Ha, I'm counting it. that means I've beat up… four. Uh…

Darn, Ulquiorra is winning.

I don't wanna be a gangster anymore D':

But seriously, I was reeeeeeaaally mad about the movie, so I went and got a whole load of waffles afterwards and had a waffle binge.

And then I worked it off (hopefully) at the gym.

But then Ulquiorra appeared behind me at one point with both earbuds in his ears and volume on high (I could hear what he was listening to) and kicked me off the bench press. Then he just picked up the weight I had been bench pressing (not a word?) and took it outside. It looked like nothing in his hand. Mind I tell you that it weighed one hundred and ninety-five pounds?

I doubt he did anything good with it, though. Because when he went outside, there was this silence, and then someone started screaming and he started shouting (really mad. I cried again ; . ;) and then there was all this banging and smashing and glass breaking and… ugh. And then Ulquiorra came walking back in with the weight and the pole all dented and put it back.

He had blood on his face.

Now I'm really scared of him. I really, really have to win this bet…

A:N

Sorry to all Grimmjow fans... his entry was really short. But seriously, I have no idea how to write his character after a while, I don't come in contact with the ghetto peeps at school very often.

So you may notice Ulquiorra's entries are somewhat wittier and longer. Just please don't brick me D':


	13. Chapter 12

omfg i'm alive. I hope you all missed me and are glad to see me :D if not, then... oh well. ; . ;

here's chapter twelve, not much, just a sort of... preview for the next chapter.

school is keeping me busy, and i had an easy day today, so i typed this up...

**Ulquiorra**

Dear Bill,

Day four

Haha, Grimmjow fails.

So we were down by the pool (YES emo people exist in the pool area. Geez) because there was this back to school party crap thing (school is tomorrow by the way. Grimmjow thinks it's the day after) with a barbecue (ew) and preppy whores (ugh) and the JoBlow fans (gross). It was like a little bonding session or something. Uber lame, those NEVAR work, ya kno?

I liek teh parenthesis.

Anyways, Dame and I told Grimmjow that there were bats in the building next to us, and that they came to the pool to drink the water. He got so goddamned scared, and he looked around to see if there were any. So while he looked away, we put some jalapeno peppers into his pizza. Haha, it was great. He was eating it, and suddenly he was screaming about needing water, so we gave him a glass of Coke. Oh my god, that was epic. He tried to use the Coke, but everyone knows it doesn't help. So we just kept handing him glasses with other things of carbonated soda in it, you know, Sprite, Dr. Pepper, Pepsi, A&W, Sunkist… etc.

And I guess he got sick from all that confusion so he went to the bathroom and threw up. Ha.

Aside from that, I had a piece of really gross pizza. I hate barbecue, and I hate pizza that requires you to siphon off the grease before you eat it. D:

There are no emo girls at school. Just our group of emo guys, and everyone wants to hit them. Wait, no. There's one emo girl, and she's fat and ugly and still tries to wear the short emo skirts. Ugh.

There are slutty girls from the volleyball team and cheerleaders, the works. They wear those short miniskirts or shorts, and tight, low cut tank tops and tube tops. It's kind of pathetic, how they whore themselves out to the world.

Do they keep their brains in their… hands or something? Like… they must lose brain cells when they hit that volleyball. Or maybe it was in their noses, and they sneezed it out.

Haha, it was so funny, they're redoing the field or something, and they were digging this hole in the ground, and there was this OLD dude. Well, not old, but… you know. And he was driving along the edge of the pit and suddenly his tractor turned into it or something. And we could see him, because it had one of those open things, and his face was all, OH SHIZNITS NOOOO!!

Ha. It was le funneh.

I swear… Grimmjow is gonna be one of those people.

**Grimmjow**

Dear Diary,

I'm wet D':

Well, I was…

But still! So today, I went to a party and ate way too much hot stuff and kept drinking stuff that made it worse.

And then I got pushed into the pool. It made me sad):

When do we get to go home?

Oh well, so now it's later, and everyone is sleeping out here (whoever was left) with sleeping bags or playing video games… I think I'll go play some, too.

But Ulquiorra is playing, too.

I hope I have enough spine to challenge him to a game of something…

Wish me luck, I'm going now! Sorry for not writing much, but I'm still brain-dead from all that spicy food.

-Grimmy

A:N

Like it? Hate it? Doesn't matter, just rate it.

or review, please? :D


	14. Chapter 13

asdjkl i finally uploaded it. I had this written for some time now, but due to my general laziness, it wasn't put up.

**Ulquiorra**

Dear Bill,

Day five

Wowow... ahaha looks like a smiley: owo. Or wOwOw

Whatever, I don't get it.

Anyhoo, school. Is. Stupid.

We started out with those lame introductions, and that was for SEVEN fucking classes. Seven. Seriously. Of course, it's because it's a seven period schedule, but still!

And then, during C period, the math teacher let this one guy do a problem with his cool tablet thing (those things are hax). But then he was all, don't press that button on the side. Or you'll explode.

And then I smiled.

Oh my god, I was sooooo freaked out D:

I thought my face was going to break!

No, seriously. The only reason I have no facial expressions is that I'm afraid my face will break if I do. But I'm emotional, really. :D

Haha, anyways, Grimmjow wasn't in any of my classes. Too dumb :/

And then, my chem teacher decided he would blow up a plastic bottle and everything… Oh. My. God.

I love that man.

Well, the down side: homework. Of the human species. And I've… no idea how to do it! You'd think I'd have learned all this crap because I'm like… hundreds of years old, but no.

In other words… what THE fuck are asymptotes??? And what is the Heisenberg whatever uncertainty principle? How am I supposed to know how to tell the difference between an ionic formula and a molecular one???

Ugh.

It doesn't help that I'm German, either… shouldn't I be good at this? B(

And the only pwnage I got to do was ass raping some random guy at dodge ball.

But then some guy -ahem- jock socked me in the back of the head. I went OUT, and they carried me to my next class.

Basically, only thing I'm not failing at is Spanish and History… I remember watching all that crap, DUR-HUR. And I fucking speak Spanish. Yo soy muy smartoso y feliz.

No seriously.

Haha, I skated to schooooool, so proud of myself :D

I didn't fall down at all.

Anyways… I dunno. Should I try out for a sport? Maybe, maybe not? Don't want to be a jock, though… ha, screw it, I'm not gonna do it.

**Grimmjow**

Dear Diary,

I wonder where everyone is…

I woke up this morning and no one was around, so I went outside and all I saw were adults going to work. Huh…

Well, I went inside and watched TV for a while, and I'm doing that right now… seriously, it's nine, where is everyone?

**Ulquiorra**

Dear Bill,

Llorz, I went by Grimmjow's house after school and he was all, where have you been? And I was all, SCHOOL, DIPSHIT.

And he FLIPPED.

That made my day, seriously. I lol'ed. It was hilarious, I didn't even have to stay to know he pissed his pants or something…

Anyways, I ate some yogurt when I got home. Plain is the best, don't argue, bitch. Only I was using a spork and it somehow got caught on my lip ring and hurt like a bitchfuckinghell…

I got my own iPod, It's this little thing called a Nano. Hella cute, I'm afraid I'll break it. but I synced it, too. But I still like to listen to Damian's. and NO goddammit, I'm not gay D:

We're working on homework right now, there isn't much left. Apparently, seniors don't have much, but I have a feeling Chem AP is going to get a lot worse. I knew Biology was easier…

**Grimmjow**

Dear Diary,

Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh D':

I know why no one was around today!

Today was school! The first day! I missed the first day of school!

Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god. Stay cool, stay cool. You're tough, you can pull through this

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

I'M ON SO MUCH TROUBLE ):

I can't believe no one told me! not even my friends! They didn't tell me a thing D:

And now I'm sad.

I think I'll have some peanut butter. I need it, majorly.

Ugh, back from food. I'm going to eat this whole thing of peanut butter.

And then I'll go out and see what I can do about Ulquiorra. I think he's winning by… nine or something.

*sobs*

I dunno what I'm going to do now… tomorrow will be better.

I seriously wish the Japanese weren't such pedophiles, too. Porn is… like… a minefield now. Of epic proportions.


	15. Chapter 14

Hello hello, i'm uploading again.

ok, un message importante. or not really, but i care D:

i got a review that brought my attention to the general "overdoing it" qualities of this fic. rereading, i realized, boy did i write some stupid things.

anyhow... thanks for the advice, i'd hate to keep making the same mistakes. and thanks for the review that totally spawned the plot bunny of this chapter. moar liek a rant.

**Ulquiorra**

Day SIX. Asdfjkl one more fucking day and I can go home!!!

Dear Bill,

Rofl

I think I might DIE of shame.

So, Damian and such decided it would be funny if we, instead of sulking around a street corner we go crush the Twilight movie premiere.

Sounds like a good, reasonable idea. I was all for it, because there's nothing I hate more than Stephanie Meyer's thesaurus rape.

BUT, one does not simply lulz their way into this Mordor. We had to go buy fan merch and go two hours early for tickets and seats directly in the middle of the theatre.

There. We had to buy FAN merch. Sick, and nasty. I despise that crap, it was TERRIBLE going into that store, with all the seven year olds setting themselves up for disappointment and twelve year olds who cannot comprehend better literature than Twilight muck…

Urgh.

I just threw up a little in my mouth thinking about it.

Well, anyways. When we were all twilight fans again, we went down to the theatre and sat smack in the middle. Then came the hard part, watching hordes of nasty, giggling fangirls come stampeding in, screaming team Jacob or something… utter. Shit.

So, once the theatre was packed to a bursting point, the movie started. All I saw was more and more Mary Sue and Gary Stu frolicking in their precious fields. With sparkles.

I puked for real just writing that.

Ugh, but seriously, I could hardly sit still. Oh my God, I was soosososososososooooooo happy when Damian decided everyone was catatonic enough for us to disturb the peace.

So we stand up and start screaming about Bella being a pathetic Mary Sue, Edward (century old virgin) being a gay-ass twink who douses himself in confetti every morning, and Jacob being a furry. It was fun. They were shouted some more about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Spike.

All in all, wearing the clothes was sooo worth the looks on those fans faces. Ha.

And then we got kicked out, no surprises there. B(

I decided to vent my anger by ensuring my winning the bet and shoving a couple of retards' heads into the fountain.

**Grimmjow**

Dear Diary,

YAAAAAAYYYYYYY

I WATCHED TWILIGHT TODAY :D

I looooooove Twilight. Stephanie Meyer is soooooo amazing! And I hope I sound cooooooollll evennn thoughhhh I'm writing likeeeee a stupid internet whoooooreeeeee.

I should try writing in aLt CaPs

Never mind

Sigh…

But Edward and Bella are such a cute couple. I mean, Bella needs some love, and Edward needs some blood. But he's so dreamy, such a hot guy. Rob Patterson, I mean. Sososo hott.

But you know who I saw there?

I saw Ulquiorra with a friend, and they were saying meenie things about Twilight. It makes me sad, I'm glad they left or I would have cried.

And I don't want to cry, it's too happy to cry now! D:

Anyways, if you couldn't tell, I am soooooo Team Edward. I mean, he and Bella are MADE for each other. It's just so cute!!!!11!!

And the plot is really complex too, it's so exciting. The characters are sooooo real, and there are so many hard words.

I think this is better than Harry Potter.

On the way out of the theatre, I saw Ulquiorra and his friend again, hanging around buying tickets to Saw V.

Scary T.T

But when he turned around and saw me, he chucked a penny at my head. T.T

So sad, why is he so meeeaaaannn?

I'm not sure what else happened besides this. IT'S ALL I CAN THINK ABOUT

Maybe I'll watch it again :D

Byessss,

Grimmjow

P.S. There were two random people lying facedown in the fountain. It was really scary!

A:N

I hate Twilight, writing Grimmjow's entry made me sick. but that's just my opinion, i'm not here to make it yours.

a few more chapters, i'm getting sick of it, and i'm sure you all are, too.


	16. Chapter 15

Hooooooly crap. Fuck this shit. One more retarded chapter, and...

Ha, this thing has dragged on for a bajillion chapters and ultimately ended as a crappy and... I dunno. Ranty fic. I am so done with this.

Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach.

**Ulquiorra**

Dear Spencer,

DAY. FAKKING. SIETE.

It looks like I'll have to decide what to do to Grimmjow since there's no chance of him winning. I could make him watch a High School Musical marathon, but something tells me that's not punishment enough for him.

Oh well.

We went to someone's house last night. They had video games, but no Guitar Hero. *Sad*

But, oh my god, oh my gooood, you know what they _did_ have? They had Gears of War and Super Smash Bros.

I FUCKING LOVE GEARS OF WAR. SSB is cool, too. And Halo, I guess.

But I really have crap aim. You'd think that I'd be very good at it, you know, firin' mah ceros all the time. But seriously, my cero is made to overkill. It's that kind of thing you use when you absolutely have to kill every motherfucker in the room. Meaning I don't need any aiming skillz at all, I just have to point in the general direction and it's all good…

But okay, so I was supposed to be a sniper, but I couldn't ever hit anything, so they put me on the turret and let me do whatever I wanted. It was awesome. Unlimited ammo, babeh, I blasted the shit out of those zombie things.

But we eventually got bored of shooting and chainsaw-ing things. So we switched to Super Smash.

I only know how to play two characters from that game, and that's Samus and Marth. I started out by playing Samus, and SHE (I seriously never would have guessed…) was pretty easy. I just camped out somewhere to the side and charged up my gun and blasted anyone coming near. Everyone else got mad at me eventually though, because every time I shot, I would scream, "IMMA FIRIN' MAH LAZER!!!" so they made me get off Samus after a while.

I switched to Marth, because everything else looked stupid. He's also pretty gay. He moves hella fast and has crazy range; I just pushed the people off and edgeguarded so they couldn't save themselves by grabbing the edge. Ha. In. Your. Fucking. Face. Except Pit. It didn't work on him, bitch could fly. I hate Pit. When he used his final smash, I thought he was throwing croissants at us at first, only they were hurty croissants and killed me ):

Also, Marth is one big pansy… I thought it was a girl. Fucking transvestite characters.

Well, before that, we were at the arcade playing DDR, and I beat up one last person just to spite Grimmy. We were having a dance off, and I kicked him off the platform so that he fell into another video game and smashed his nose. It was bleeding lol.

Well, I'm positive I've won, so it's not like Grimmjow'll get fifteen people or something in a few hours…

Yep, he's fucked.

Anyways, I'm going home tomorrow, so sick of the real world. Everything is so stupid and trashy around here, and prostitutes and whores are the trashiest of all, not counting the real trash that you don't even bother picking up. At least people pick up prostitutes.

Speaking of which, some girl tried to have sex with me today. It was one of those huge, acne/zit covered, lacking deodorant, greasy haired, trashy girls that cake on five layers of makeup to try and cover their pimples, only everyone knows that kind of thing only results in worse skin. Oh Szayel, how you have poisoned my mind…

But am I glad I have permanent genetic makeup already done.

Anyways, she trapped me behind the science classrooms where everyone goes to make out and totally crushed me. She didn't even need to sit on me to suffocate me, coming near me was enough to stop my breathing. Except I don't breathe. I can't believe that fact hasn't been discovered yet D:

I escaped (thank God) by jabbing her in the face with my skateboard, then, with much difficulty even considering my size, taking off my shirt and getting away.

It makes me think of that other time where someone stole my shirt. At least this time I have a jacket with me. I just wore that, it was okay.

Anyhow, that was probably the most frightening experience IN MY LIFE. And that's including the time Nnoitra tried to rape me, mhm.

Whatever.

P.S. Ness and Lucas are idiotic. Stupid twinks, they think they're all PK.

**Grimmjow**

Dear Diary,

I think I lost the bet T.T

I haven't been trying to kill people for a good while. I guess all I can hope is that Ulquiorra won't do anything too bad to me…

Maybe he'll tell Aizen what a bad boy I was D:

Oh my god, I hope he doesn't!

I think I might cry!

I have to do something, because if I don't, he'll tattle on me! quick, quick, think of something. Oh no, I can't think, I'm in panic mode! Inhaler! Now! Only not, because only Ulquiorra has asthma.

Oh noes… I'm really scared now, I don't want to go home. Maybe I can change my identity and pretend that I'm a real person so Ulquiorra will never find me.

Can I do that in a few hours, though? I dunno…

Maybe the best thing would be to try and win the bet-

Yeah right.

I think I'll have to hurt Ulquiorra so that he CAN'T tell Aizen on me.

Oh no, what'll I do?

OK, this will work out, seriously… maybe I'll drown him? Or… or I'll starve him to death? Can't do that, he's too thin to have eaten anything for the past century…

Push him… off a building? That doesn't sound too bad, but I don't know how… I can't even kill spiders!

What? I'm a big baby? Well, I don't see any great ideas coming from you!

Yeah alright, great excuse, you can't talk because you're a diary. Way to state the obvious.

Yes, I KNOW I've been saying dumb, obvious things, too, but you can't have known all that, it was only obvious to me!

Yeah, right.

Wow. First sign of madness, talking to a book through writing. ):

Siiiiigh…

Well, today didn't help my cause either, I just read some more Twilight fanfics and wrote one, too. I hope someone reviews! :D

Well, that was all I really did. I saw Ulquiorra running without a shirt on (but he was trying to pull on a sweater as he ran…?), maybe that's what guys do these days? Hmmm… it looked like he was pretty scared, I wonder what happened? I don't see many scary things at school. Maybe Ulquiorra is easier to scare than I thought. *hopeful*

Yeah… right. When I hate Twilight, that is.

OH MY GOD. THAT'S IT.

I can make Ulquiorra a super pansy if I start to hate Twilight :O

Okay, okay. Here goes.

Twilight is a really…

Really………

Bad? Book?

And… it… it has only… one main character?

AUGH, no way, no way, Twilight it the best book in the world it has the best characters and Edward is so hot and Bella is such a deep and considerate character Stephanie Meyer must have taken hours thinking her up I mean she is just such a good character with good and bad traits and the book is so deep and descriptive and if you can't read it you're just jealous and are too dumb to understand good vocabulary-

Oh no. I bet that just made Ulquiorra ten times more pwnaging than he is now.

OH NO OH NO WHAT DO I DOOOOO????

That's it. I'm going out and trying to make him incapable of finishing his win at the bet.

WISH ME LUCK :D

-Grimmjow

P.S. if I'm not back in three hours, call the cops.


End file.
